Chocolate Milk is F*cking Magic
Do you like chocolate milk? Anyone I ask just looks at me like is that even a question? Yes, rhetorical. One guy’s answer says it all: “I’m not a psycho”. Ok, so we agree: chocolate milk is fucking magic. Next question then: When’s the last time you had it? I bet it’s been a while. Why? Too much sugar. Unhealthy. Childish. Forgot. Restaurants don’t have it. All valid reasons.
I don’t know about you, but I grew up on Nesquik (or some of you, it may have been Yoohoo). It’s nostalgic AF. Sadly, as an adult who reads labels, I can’t put that shit in my body. It’s sugar overload with a side of cholesterol and carrageenan (potential side effects including diabetes, digestive disorders, heart disease, neurological disorders, and maybe even cancer). No thanks. Plus, I’ve outgrown that creepy bunny.
I have a theory. If we made chocolate milk not only better-for-you, but also better tasting and actually cool for adults — we’d all be a little bit happier. On that note, I was listening to David Chang’s podcast with guest Christina Tosi (Milk Bar) on a run recently when this particular segment stopped me in my tracks (not literally, I kept running of course):
Tosi: “What’s the dessert you miss the most, that you went back to, eyes closed, when no one’s watching. What’s your dirty dessert secret?”
Chang: “Currently, you know what it is? Drinking all my son’s chocolate milk.”
Tosi: “Wait — you are scamming Hugo out of chocolate milk??”
Chang: “100%. Cause know what? What I found out is: know what’s amazing? Chocolate milk. It’s sooo good. It’s literally one of the best creations of all time.”
Tosi: “Chocolate milk. I love that that’s your thing.”
Chang: “That’s my thing. Late at night… I’m chugging it. It’s so good.”
Tosi: “Look at you! You went from serious, slightly grimaced, to sitting up tall, all perky, smiling, talking about literally the combination of chocolate and milk.”
Chang declaring chocolate milk one of the greatest things ever has me, yet again, wondering how this guy is so inside my head. Are we related? His unapologetic confession to snatching his son’s chocolate milk hit me hard. I also have a young son now, who will undoubtedly love chocolate milk (that’s how genetics work right?)… we need better chocolate milk asap!
Tosi’s recognition of how chocolate milk brings such unadulterated joy to a grown man not only made me smile, it supports my theory. Chocolate milk is fucking magic.
So why do kids get all the chocolate milk? We all need more chocolate milk in our lives. A better-for-you version that’s so good our kids will be the ones trying to steal it from us. Them tables? They turn. When I say ‘better’, I mean better-for-you in every way: no added sugar, no artificial sweeteners, no oils, and no bs. Dairy-free, gluten-free, and guilt-free. Smooth and creamy, yet refreshing. And, most importantly — insanely delicious. Sounds great right?
Hold up. Is that even possible? I admit it sounds a little ambitious. So, I looked into it. I couldn’t find any chocolate milk, that met those specs. I made charts and everything. Most had added sugar or artifical sweeteners, many had oils and/or other shit. It was eye-opening — and stomach-churning. Even supposedly ‘healthy’ brands were not… really. Not to mention, most were not even tasty.
Seems impossible. I understand that normally there’s a trade-off between healthy and tasty. But I’m not normal. And now I had this crazy idea in my head: a chocolate milk that was simultaneously healthier and tastier — the perfect little indulgence. To again quote David Chandg (my brother from another mother): “I don’t want it to just be good, I want to fucking destroy everything.”
It always seems impossible until it’s done. I had no clue how to make milk. Or even what kind of milk to make. Seriously, you can milk anything now. This video from health nut Bobby Parrish gives an idea of just how confusing it all is: “Avoid soy milk, soy is inflammatory and estrogen producing. Avoid pea and rice milk, they can be high in arsenic. If you see added sugar, put it away. Try to limit the amount of gums and emulsifiers. If you see oil, run.” Yikes. Where do I even start?
As always, inspiration comes from the most unexpected of places. Or in my world — in Vegas. I go to Milk Bar at Cosmo to grab my usual crunchy cereal shake. And by usual, I mean like they know me by name and my order by heart. Not sure that’s something I should brag about, but hey, I lived at Cosmo for 5 weeks during COVID (that’s a whole other story)… what do you expect?
Anyway, if you’re thinking ‘so she got her milk brand inspo from a place called Milk Bar… how original’ — no actually. I was just sharing because Christina Tosi is a badass, and because right next to Milk Bar is the Juice Standard. And that is relevant to this story.
Now I don’t actually like juice, but as I walked by Juice Standard, something caught my eye: at the end of the row of rainbow-colored liquids were these beautiful milky shades. Intrigued, I took a closer look at what I discovered were flavored nut milks. Damn those look good. I grabbed a bottle. Room charge?
From the first sip, I fell for the sweet creamy milk. I noticed it was made with cashews and thus the seed was planted for my plant-based milk (lame pun). Plus, it was the perfect snack at the poker table.
Back home, I kept thinking about it and craving it… I looked everywhere for something like it, but nothing compared. I found flavored almond milk at Pressed in LA, but they were too bland and watery for me. Why was it so hard to find delicious and nutritious ready-to-drink milk?
This was years ago, around the time I opened my first restaurant — a Berlin döner shop called Wolf Down. I actually considered trying to make flavored nut milk back then — I thought it would be cool and unique to add to our drink menu. But I realized I should probably just figure out how to make döner and run a restaurant first. Once we opened, we were so busy I never had the time to even think about it until…
COVID. Boom. We had to shut down for a few weeks. All of a sudden I had nothing to do. Which in my world is a recipe for disaster — or creativity. I get bored so easily. Blame it on the ADD baby. And I hate being bored. The worst. Needless to say, COVID lockdowns in Canada, in the middle of winter, were rough.
I was a total nutcase. And as I lost my mind going stir-crazy, my chocolate milk cravings came back with a vengeance. When bored, I snack. I needed that damn chocolate milk bad. Now.
Here I was, not only bored out of my mind, but also bored of the same old drink options. As much as I love my Diet Dr Pepper and SugarFree RedBull, I craved something rich and creamy that would satisfy my sweet fix — like ice cream or a milkshake, but without the 500+ calories and 50g+ of sugar. I dreamed of a snack I could sip and enjoy versus the bars I wolfed down in 30 seconds flat.
That’s when I noticed our Vitamix sitting on the counter and thought about the flavored nut milk back in Vegas. Suddenly it hit me: thanks to COVID, I finally had the time to work on this crazy idea of mine. Silver linings.
I had no clue what I was doing, so I Googled how to make nut milk. Naturally, almond milk pops up first since it’s the most common. I learned that not only do you have to soak almonds overnight, you then also have to strain the milk to remove the skin residue. Ya, no. I may be bored, but that’s way too much work. Who has time for this soaking shit? Fuck that.
On to cashews. Cashew milk is my favorite anyway, and cashews are the best. Know why? Not only are they naturally rich and creamy, they are also soft and naked… which means no soaking or straining required! Sick.
“Cashew milk has a creamier texture than almond milk. It also means fewer thickening agents may be used. Additionally, cashew milk has an earthier taste.” -Beyondthenut.com
I grab cashews from my pantry and start recipe testing: adjusting the nut to water ratio to get the optimal thickness and mouthfeel (creamy, yet refreshing), adding dates and agave for a perfect natural sweetness (no added sugar or artificial shit), and finally playing with flavors like chocolate, vanilla, and peanut butter.
I honestly didn’t think it would work. Despite the fact that I think about food all day long, I had never made my own milk and I rarely cook. As my long lost bro David Chang puts it: “I’m much stronger at thinking about food than I am at cooking it.”
And guess what? Somehow, miraculously, it turned out freaking delicious. It was smooth, sweet, and enticing. What just happened? I was momentarily pleased with myself. But it didn’t take long before I thought: maybe it’s just me? Self-doubt is real.
I am well aware of my ability to convince myself of just about anything. Reality distortion field. I probably just think it’s great because I want to believe it is. To will it into existence. I could easily have left it at that. Kept it to myself. But what if I’m not totally crazy and it actually is kinda awesome? Fuck it. Let’s get a second opinion.
I ask my friend (and business partner) Brooke to come over. We own a duplex and she lives in the other unit, so we’re technically not breaking isolation rules since it’s the same household. I think. Anyway, I hand her a glass and tell her “try this” (good thing she trusts me and doesn’t ask why). At this point, I don’t know if I’m pretending not to care or if I actually don’t care. Honestly, I’m just trying not to overthink it… as I closely watch her reaction.
She loves it! Really? I tell her to be honest. “No, seriously.” She asks where it’s from. And what it is. I tell her it’s cashew milk I made in my Vitamix. “What? Really?” Then my husband pops into the kitchen, curious what we’re up to. “Try this!” I tell him, suddenly feeling more confident. He takes a careful sip (he’s less trusting, for good reason) — and chugs the rest. “You actually made this?” He’s as surprised as I am. I take it as a compliment.
Ok, so I’m not crazy — it’s actually good. Woohoo! What now? I have an idea: “Should we sell it at Wolf Down?” Brooke lights up: “Yes! Why not?” That’s why I love Brooke, she’s always game for my crazy plans. She reminds me that I’d thought of this when we first opened our restaurant which I’d actually forgotten about. Over a year later, we finally had the chance to try it out!
See, this is what happens when I get bored: businesses are born. Read the next part here.
